De last baloney.

So dere I was in de grocery store, pickin up a few tings...bitta beer...tins of pepsi...celeb gossip magazines (you know, to keep de youngsters outta me hair since de cable got cut and I can't stick em in front of de tv for awhile). So I dragged me cart over to de deli aisle..you know it was takin awhile cause I had one of dose ones dat got de ole wobbly wheel onto it, drives me nuts!
 So I gets to de aisle, saunters up to de fridge, reaches out me arm, puts down me hand, and BAM! Me land landed on someting weird. I looks down and sure enough, de hand of some misses who got dere just a second after me, was restin below MY hand on de LAST big stick baloney! Now I `don`t know about you but Brenda loves her baloney. So I looks her right in her beady eyes and tells her to get her rotten paws off me big stick...ya shoulda seen her hand too, ole dirty ole nails wit de crud under em, smudge of orange nail polish left on dere, I thought I made meself pretty clear, but de rotten skank tightened her grip and SMILED at me, and before too long she was friggin takin off through de store with me big stick between her legs, on her way to cash 3! I really wanted a baloney sandwich for supper so I started chasin her right? Screamin at her at de top of me lungs,Gimmie back dat baloney bitch!! So I caught up wit her and ripped it outta her hand, started beatin her over de head wit it, and when she finally let it go I was so riled up I hauled de plastic off and started haunchin right off de top of it, wax and all! I guess I was breathin right heavy too cause when I came to and got me senses back I seen people runnin away dodgin de flecks of baloney dat were flyin outta me mouth. so den I seen de misses layin on de floor bein a drama queen, yellin someting about oh poor me i got robbed, oh poor me, me heads bleedin, and I seen de security guards comin! So I ran outta dere wit de baloney stick shoved down into me bra and me coat pulled up right high to cover over me face so I wouldnt get recognized again, and I'm sittin here now eatin me baloney sandwich. So yes, yha, all I can say to dat is don't come between Brenda and her Baloney.

Brenda gets a date

Oh me god, so I was just sittin around tryin to decide if I wanted baloney or Spam sandwiches fer lunch, and de phone rang. Scared de shit outta me since I had taught it got disconnected right? Had to use all de money I had left to buy lunches fer de friggin kids fer school...jeez who woulda taught the little friggers would wanna bring a lunch EVERY DAY?!

 So anyhoo I wasn't gonna answer it cause so many people are lookin fer me...de credit department up to Sears, all me ex byfriends whose stuff I took of with, I tink de police might be lookin fer me fer dat time I took me tits out up to Thursdays and got kicked outta dere for dancin on de bar and stealin a 26er of vodka...But someting told me to answer it and I did..and lo and behold who was it? De buddy I met at de laundry mat when I was rootin through everyones dryers tryin to find some new socks fer de kids! He told me I forgot a pair of me drawers and he wanted to get em back to me. I said 'by sure I don't even wear underwear so I don't tink dey could be mine, but I sure am hungry if ya feels like takin me out fer dinner! And he did! So yes dats it now, Brenda got a date!

Roughin it...life without water.

So I gets home from work and sees a shady van parked outside me house. I went right up to it and started peerin in de windows, like ya would right? So some buddy comes outta de van and starts talkin to me in French. I heard "chaud" so naturally I assumed he was talkin about me. Enticed, I started flippin me hair, poutin me lips, and hikin up me snowpants to try and show him a bitta calf dat was stickin outta me winter boot.  He started givin me de eyes, looking me up and down, and shouting at me "tu n'as pas d'eau chaud".   Well, I was tickled pink I was! Jackpot! So I said "buddy you're not so bad yerself dere! Why don't you come wit me and eat a bitta da codfish I got simmerin on de stove?"
 So then he really gets excited right  He goes "non espece de conne! Tu n'as pas D'EAU chaud!" and takes me by de hand, leadin me under the stairs of de patio in me backyard. So now I'm tinkin, now jeez dis 'by is real strange and kinky, I never even seen him before and wants to do it right dere in de snow under de porch! So I followed him. we went into de basement under de stairs, and lo and behold, right before me very eyes...FLOOD!!! Dere was water flickin outta it every which way, steam everywhere, and some kinda god awful bangin noise comin outta de top.  Sure enough, hot water boiler blew.
 Later dat night as I was boilin water to splash onto me "essentials" in the bathtub, I couldn't help but wonder why buddy was comin onto me so strong with all dat mess goin on!!!!!

Bloggin Brenda?

Holy jeez 'by me friend told me I should start up a "blog" or whatever de hell ya calls it...I'm here sneakin on de internet at me job...you know, I just sneaks away from me desk and into de lunch room for awhile so I can go online. Then at de same time whatever men comes into de lunch room I gets 'em to give me a bit of their lunch, right? I just tells 'em the truth, that me friggin youngsters ate all me food, and dey hands over whatever lunch their wives got packed for 'em.
 Me friends tells me I should be a bit more careful about sneakin away from me desk, but honestly I think they're just jealous dey don't got de moves with de boss like me right? I puts a cup of hot coffe on me desk in the morning when I comes in, and it fools 'em into thinkin I was just there! By de time it cools off I've had me time to figure out me ex-boyfriends new password and break into his email, and keep an eye on me Ebay...sure last week I let me guard down for a second and I got out bid on a turtleneck sweater dat apparently Johnny Depp tried on at de Gap!! Dat can never happen again!!
 Uh oh I sees me boss over nosing around me coffee. Luckily I keeps a coupla packs of Sweet N Low in me purse so when that happens I can rush back to me desk wit it in me hand, and pretend I just went to the kitchen for a second to get it. That paired with a coupla old files on me desk that I can shuffle through and dere ya have it....Brenda's busy at work!